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ABC’s Not So Easy
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Contrary to the Jackson Five song that states, “it’s as easy as ABC,” I’m not sure ABC is so easy after all. One of the ways I analyze individuals, groups and organizations in my change catalyst work is through my ABCD™ Model. In this Model, A=Alignment and Balance, B= Boundaries and Connections, C=Clarity, and D=Discernment. So, for example, with a coaching client, I help them examine whether they are living in alignment with their life purpose. A life purpose is what gives meaning to your life. When you know your life purpose and are living on purpose, you have the clarity and direction you need to make decisions and choices in your life. Similarly, in work with an organization, we might examine if the organization is in alignment with its organizational mission.
Where I personally face the biggest challenge is with balance, boundaries and discernment; with being able to discern how to appropriately hold boundaries and keep my emotions in balance.
Two of the emotions I have most difficulty balancing and making good judgments about are empathy and anger. Empathy and anger are both legitimate and valuable emotions. Empathy allows me to understand another person’s pain or hurt. Anger can help me set appropriate boundaries – or come to understand that someone has violated one of my boundaries in some way. But, sometimes, I find myself unable to balance them appropriately.
For example, sometimes when my daughter has been hurt or angry about something, I may empathize with her to the point that I allow her to take her pain and anger out on me. I delude myself into thinking I have transcended my anger when in, fact, I have merely repressed it in my desire to be empathetic. This isn’t good for either of us. I don’t hold her to an appropriate standard of behavior and the anger I thought I had transcended ends up building to the point of resentment. What I have found is that before I reach the point of feeling rage, I need to give myself some quiet time to allow the feelings I have repressed to come out little by little.
So, how do you handle your ABC’s?
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Dear Deb,
I like to cite Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s rule of thumb: anger is a perfectly natural emotion; it lasts fifteen seconds before it passes. If it lasts longer than fifteen seconds, then I am dealing with “unfinished business,” an event of the present time that reminds me of unprocessed, unconscious injuries from the past (probably from childhood).
Therefore, if I am angry for longer than 15 seconds, my “unfinished business” button has been triggered. Then, it is my responsibility to halt any “acting out,” and allow awareness to bubble up through the layers of defenses.
Kubler-Ross’s rule has served me well in my partnership with my husband. One night a few years ago, when I was absolutely furious at him, I was determined to refrain from yelling and fussing. In other words, I was determined not to allow myself the defense of rage. Rage is a mask for grief: a sticky, tricky mask. It was very hard for me to sacrifice rage, which gives me such a false sense of power.
Without the defense of rage, I collapsed. Literally. I fell into a heap of weeping, right on the living room floor. I was overwhelmed, howling like an animal. It was as if my ribcage was torn in two. The grief lasted about 15 minutes. After it passed, I felt peace — a deep sense of tranquility.
During the anguish of the grieving, I connected the dots: my husband’s innocent lapse in judgement reminded me of a primal wound from childhood. It wasn’t Adult Toni who had been furious, it was Little Toni.
It was a wound I had always remembered, but its memory was purely an intellectual excercise. I had never expressed the grief of that memory because I had never been in touch with it. The crucible of relationship brought it to the surface to be healed.
Had I allowed myself the indulgence of rage, its masking power would not have allowed me to see, and I would have remained unaware of how much that wound from childhood hurt me. Furthermore, I would have been abusive towards my beloved husband by raging at him.
If the anger passes quickly, then someone has stepped on my toes and I might or might not bark — no big deal. If the anger grows and froths and lingers, then someone is pushing my button and triggering an unhealed memory, and it’s best to pay attention.
When I was a child, I was unable to grieve the wound because I had to survive the situation. As an adult, I must grieve it, if I am to be whole, compassionate and empathetic. Being aware of the difference between natural anger and unfinished business has helped me a great deal.
I am not a mother, like you are. But it seems to me that children have an innate talent for finding buttons in their parents. In fact, pushing buttons seems to be their divinely appointed role!
Best,
Toni
Toni,
What a fabulous explanation! There are so many layers to emotions and so often one emotion is merely a cover for another one. I love the way you express allowing “awareness to bubble up through the layers of defenses.” And, I agree that lingering and “frothing” anger is usually an indication that there is something larger and deeper that needs attention.
Thank you.
Deb